It is amazing what time can do for healing. It doesn't hurt to have The Creator of the world and The Judge of mankind declare you forgiven either! The journey over the last 2 years and 9 months has been rewarding, tough, but good. I have learned, re-learned, and am learning so much about God, grace, forgiveness, shame, guilt, being loved, and being an heir with God. To say there have been ups and downs would be an understatement, however, I am thankful for Sue, my family, and several friends who have embraced and walked with me in this. I face each day with the thought of wishing I could change the past, a realization that I cannot, and a determination to walk forward and serve God and Sue. Am I perfect in this? No. Somedays I am stuck in a horrible rut of guilt and shame. This serves no purpose but to deter me from my relationship with God and Sue. As a result, I am going to continue to walk forward with a determination and zeal to allow God to live in and through me to accomplish His purpose for His kingdom and my marriage.
Along with this, daily I am crippled with the thought of missing ministry. I loved my education in Bible college and Seminary. I cherish the three churches that I have had the pleasure to serve on staff with. Somedays though, I can not think straight because I miss it so much. I miss ministering to people, studying, teaching, and pushing people to be disciples of Christ. However, Satan has lied to me. I have lied to myself. I have come to believe that I can't minister or encourage people because I am not on staff somewhere, or receiving a paycheck for it. Huh? That is a lie and completely unbiblical. As I was talking to Sue about this again this past weekend, she pointed out the fact that I have had chances to serve at our church with playing drums, VBS, playing drums, Awana, playing drums, writing curriculum, playing drums, teaching Sunday school on a few occasions, playing drums, being a small group leader with Sue, and last but not least, playing drums. (ok, Sue didn't emphasize playing the drums that much.) Wow, as we talked about it, I realized that God is using me and it is awesome. I am so thankful to God for His grace and mercy.
I am reminded of when Peter was confronted by Jesus after His resurrection. Jesus asked Peter if he loved Him. You know the story, He asked this question to Peter three times. On the last occasion, Peter finally gave in. He confessed his total love and affection for the Lord. The Lord told him to then feed His sheep. I feel like over the last two plus years that I have been in the same boat as Peter. I failed, but I totally love Him. I am also resolved that He loves me and wants to use me to help and minister to people. What that looks like, I don't know. Will I be on a church staff one day again? I don't know. I would love it, but I want God to use me now. I am giving Him my all.
As I prayed through this this week, I know God is wanting me to study and write again. I was planning on writing and saving them for the day that I could use them to teach. I brought this before my discipleship group last night, and one person suggested that as I study and write, to post on here for people to read. He said that if God gave me something, it may encourage people. I told Sue about it today, and, as always, was completely supportive and excited. She is still my biggest fan. So, as I study and write, I will be posting on here. I hope you are encouraged, challenged, and motivated to be a better disciple of our sweet and precious Savior. If you don't like it and I get put in one of your lists on the new Facebook that you don't read, your "trash" circle on google+, or you ignore my tweets, that's ok. I will cope.
To my family and friends who walked with me and who have not given up on me, thank you. Thank you. Thank you (still seems inadequate). I love you.
